Dear (Ex) Husband –
You must be devastated by seeing these divorce papers, and on top of that, I’m attaching this letter too. You might have torn it down, but if, by any chance, you’re reading this, please don’t contact me. As usual, I’ll give you the reason for this too, but this time you will be angry and won’t be able to slap me. This little freedom I have now. Don’t worry; I won’t waste your time by saying I have a good lawyer and all. Let’s get to the point – Why did I leave you suddenly? Deep down, you know the answer, but there is a little story behind it.
Do you remember, when you were leaving two days ago for Kolkata, for your client meeting, Nisha was there at our house for her sixth birthday party? Do you remember, when she was in the hall, you called me in the kitchen and slapped me? Do you remember the reason? Ohh..you must have forgotten because it was ‘just’ another slap for you—your weekly habit. So, let’s not go there. Don’t worry. I didn’t leave you for that, and I did wash my tears before seeing Nisha, so your image is safe too.
After you left, I took Nisha to buy her favorite cake from the bakery. While I was driving, she asked me something weird.
‘Aunty, “don’t lie to yourself” means what?’ With a puzzled face, I asked her, ‘Who told you that? Did somebody say it to you?’
‘Not me. Our teacher said it to Dikshi.’
‘What exactly happened?’
‘Yesterday, during our lunch, three girls were teasing her. She was crying, but still they teased her. So, I ran to our teacher and told everything.’
‘Ohh, you did good…’
‘Shhh…let me finish. So, teacher washed her hands, and we came back as early as possible. We found Dikshi sitting in the corner, staring out of the window. Her face was a little red, there were dried tear marks, and her breath wasn’t normal either. But when ma’am asked what happened, she just nodded to “no.” Ma’am didn’t ask her again, she sat beside her on that bench. “See, beta, it’s okay if you are lying with me, but never lie to yourself. These thoughts will haunt you for months in your spare time, in nights, and sometimes in your dreams. Your good night sleep won’t be good night anymore. What will you do then?” “Like monsters. They scare me at night.” “We can say that.” And she rubbed the tip of her red nose like this and said with her crying voice, “I don’t want that.” And you know, instead of asking who did it, our ma’am hugged her tightly.’
‘So, your ma’am punished those girls or not?’
‘Yup, she did. But that wasn’t the point here.’
‘Ohh..haa..don’t lie to yourself means what, right?’
And as I repeated this question, my mind stopped the car suddenly, in the middle of the rough road. The voice inside me was saying something, as if it were screaming. The horns from behind felt noiseless. Nishu was saying something too. I took a deep breath, refocused, and parked our car on the side of the road. People were shouting at me. I didn’t even murmur to say sorry. I drank water and gave Nishu my mobile to play with and said, ‘We’ll talk about it later.’
“Don’t lie to yourself.” These words carry a lot of weightage, don’t you think? Do you know I couldn’t even answer the child? Because I lie to myself a lot. From the day of your first slap to this morning, I was just lying. I realized, in the morning, I wasn’t hiding those tears from Nishu; I was hiding them from me. You didn’t steal my freedom; I gave it away. It wasn’t your image that I was protecting; it was mine.
As I said in this letter, I’m not leaving you because of this slap, I’m leaving you because I let you do that. I was angry because I let you slap me, beat me, under the name of protecting me. Don’t know about you, but I even lied to myself that I still love you. I forgot the smile on my face when I was a child. I forgot that messy but confident girl from college. Not only that, when I became a grown woman, I forgot to become today’s woman. The woman with freedom.
This freedom I carry has a history; read it; understand it.
Your Ex-wife (finally free)
